Raising children with "discipline ": a bad word?
As a person inpired by both the North American and the French culture, I am struck by the somewhat negative connotation “Discipline” has in English- even more so in “Californian”, the particularly ” PC” English spoken on the West Coast.
In the French culture, it is not so negatively tainted, although this is changing. France is now seeing the results of the “No to Discipline, Yes to the Child”approach to education which is highly prevalent in California. Three-year olds are beating up on their parents over there too.. and on their babysitters, their “friends”, their teachers…
Wow! Can “No discipline” be so great when this is the outcome?
The issue in my view is defining what one means by discipline and if discipline is used in a loving context or not. My very personal acception has nothing to do with using sticks, slaps, or any other physical means of punishment. My definition does incorporate the notion of punishment and of parental responsability. Enforcing some sort of dicipline, however, is only part of raising a happy child. Discipline is easily accepted and even welcomed
when the child feels attention, love and respect from her parents, because she feels secure in this environment.
Enforcing discipline, sorry to those who won’t like it, is, for me, part of raising a child.
Discipline without love and no discipline ( not sure if there’s actually love in this latter case) are both recipes for unhappy, unstable kids- and families.
What I regret in attitudes I’ve witnessed in California and elsewhere is the opposition placed between discipline and love and attention. As if love entailed loosening off on the dicipline, and discipline meant being heartless.. No so!
Demonstrating love does not equate to giving gifts, treats, or “being easy” on this or that..
Love is not so easy to show. It means positive actions and not so positive actions for you, the responsible one.
It’s hard, it takes effort and courage. And it’s what makes you the parent, and a much more complete person because of that too. You learn so much about yourself and the world around you as you try to educate your children in a responsible, disciplined and loving way.
Positive ways of showing love: Just say Yes .. to time together, not toys
Love is there when a parent reads to her daughter, when he plays a game of dominoes with her, when he helps her ride her bicycle, when he listens to her recount of the day and expresses interest in her doodling. It doesnÏ€t need to be many hours every day, what counts is the quality of the time together and the attention the child gets. Another highly qualified and motivated person than the parent could very well provide this sort of love as well. However, keeping time for kids during holidays is important. If kids feel they’re being dropped off here and there by already busy parents, they’ll start resisting, if they haven’t already…Then trying to impose some discipline becomes a nightmare; The tug-of-war is on.
Games, toys, and other material gratifications are nice but are not the most important proofs of love and attention for a child if they cannot share them with those they are closest to. At age 3, what do you think he’ll like better:
For you to make a paper airplane and show him how to throw it or to get a shiny new plastic or wooden one
to play with alone?
Negative ways of showing love: Just say No… to a fuss and to bad actions
Love is also there when a parent insists that his daughter attend her ballet class even though she doesn’t feel like it that day and the parent would rather not have a fight over it..
This is showing interest in her activities, it is not bullying the child. It also shows her the importance of consistency and of perseverance. . The child is reassured by the stability the parent conveys. She doesn’t need to wonder, the next time, if she should decide to attend or not, or what she should ask to do instead, or what other activity she’d now rather do..
“You chose ballet because you said you wanted to do this, now stick to it”, is the simple, clear message. ( Of course if she truly doesn’t fit in the class, or the teacher is terribly poor, a change is in order).
The clearer the message, for a young mind, the better (as well as for any mind!)
Demonstrating love means showing a child what she can, and cannot do!
No matter how smart our children are, a childπs brain does not
have the required maturity to determine right from wrong, good from bad. It is like playdough that is waited to be molded.
When a child grabs another child by the hair at the playground, the responsible action to take
with a two-year-old, for me, is not to negociate at length, it is to say: This is wrong, stop!
Oh, and I’m not just saying this. Neither am I a psychologist, I’m just a parent, applying some principles inspired from Europe and North America. And living in harmony with my family!
